Confessions of Real Black Women

I have to say that school life can be really tough for some young people, but I am also really happy that some of you are able to put those painful times to rest and get a little closure by allowing me to re-tell your stories here. Today’s confession comes from Treherbert, Rhondda, South Wales.  And for those of you whose geography is a little rusty, Wales is part of the United Kingdom. CM wrote this...

Hello Carol

I came across the confession about a 15 year old girl having two children and although I feel so sorry for the girl it kinda gave me a reality check and reminded me that no matter how bad things might be there is always someone who is worse off. So I decided to be brave and send you my story and perhaps it will help someone else.

I am 21 years old now, but this situation happened when I was 14 and it was by far the most painful and humiliating thing that has ever happened to me. In school I had the same two best friends from the age of 5 right up to the age of 15. I met Sandra and Charlene on the first day of infant school and we became best friends for the next 10 years. By the time we reach secondary school there was nothing and no one that could keep us apart, or so I thought.

The three of us were very popular in school, almost everyone knew us. Not because we were super pretty or smart or anything but because we were three great athletes. We played table tennis, netball and hockey. Along with that I also threw the discus and javelin, and hardly a month went by without us being up in front of the school for winning some tournament or trophy. At that time I was very much into journaling and I used to write in my diary almost every day. I came from a very religious closed minded family and discussing feelings and emotions was not an option. So I used to write everything I felt in my diary. At the end of each year I would go to a very secluded park in my area and burn my diary so they would never be found.

One day at school we were all in the changing rooms getting ready for our P.E class. As I pulled my top and shorts out of my bag my little black diary fell on the floor. I did not even notice but a girl in my class did and she picked it up and handed it back to me. I put it back in my diary and thought nothing of it. Later on I asked to be excused from our class as I wanted to go to the bathroom, when I passed through the changing rooms I saw the same girl who had handed me my diary earlier standing by her locker. I remember she looked shocked when she saw me but I just thought that I had startled her and continued on to the bathrooms.

By lunchtime I started to notice some strange behavior  As I walked through the canteen I noticed a couple of girls pointing at me and laughing but I just brushed it off and carried on. A short time later I passed another group of girls I knew huddled in a corner looking at some pieces of paper and when I said hello to them they looked startled and very guilty, and one of them grabbed the paper and hide it behind her back. I asked them what was going on but they said nothing. By the end of lunchtime I was beginning to suspect something was very wrong but I just couldn't figure out what it was. I did not have to wait long to find out.

As I was on my way back to class my two friends Sandra and Charlene came running up to me saying they had something to tell me. I stood there waiting as they both struggled to find the words. Eventually I got impatient and told them I was going to class and they could tell me later. As I walked away Sandra blurted out “your diary is being passed around the school”. A chill ran through my whole body and I did not think I would be able to move. I thought back to all the strange behavior I had noticed earlier and I knew they telling the truth, I did not even bother to look in my bag. They both ran to me and told me not to worry that they would help me get it back, but considering I had already seen my diary in pieces I knew there was no way to get it back.

The next few weeks were the worst of my entire life. You have to understand, I wrote EVERYTHING in my diary. The secrets I knew about people, the boys I liked the girls I hated the fantasies and dreams that I had, everything. So I’m sure you can imagine what great entertainment that was for everyone. Everywhere I turned there were kids holding bits and pieces of my diary. I was so humiliated, but even at that young age I was a strong person so did the only thing I knew how to do. I acted as though I could not care less. I held my head up, put a smile on my face and walked around the school as though I owned it.

The only good thing was that because I was popular and very tall and thick for my age no one said anything to my face about the contents of my diary. But I could not take two steps without seeing pages of my diary in people’s hands and having to listen to them crack up in fits of laughter as I passed them. I went home every evening and cried for hours in my bedroom but I told no one at home as they simply would have laughed also, well at least that is what I thought they would do.

This went on for three weeks and although the pain was almost unbearable just as I thought it could not possibly get any worse it did. One day I was passing through the main hall into one of the small corridors that lead outside and I heard some girls laughing I knew before I even got to them what they were laughing at but when I turned the corner and saw who it was I was so shocked and so hurt I burst into tears and ran to the bathrooms. My two so called best friends were with a group of other girls reading my diary and laughing at me. In that moment I truly wanted to die. I could have handled anyone else laughing at me but not the two people I trusted most.

Later that afternoon I had the worst experience of all. I was sitting in class, one row from the back of the room when my ‘friend’ Sandra came in; she told my teacher that she had something for me. I expected her to walk to towards me but instead she stood in front of the class opened her bag and took out all the loose pages of my diary with the black cover on top and threw them across the room at me. For a moment the room was filled with floating pieces of white paper and everyone laughed and clamored to pick them up and continue throwing them around. I remember very clearly the look of triumph on Sandra’s face and to this day I do not understand why she did that to me, there was nothing in my diary about Sandra or Charlene.

It took about a couple of months for Sandra and me to begin speaking again and although she apologized and I said it was OK I never, ever trusted her again. And I still find it very difficult to trust women now.

Thanks for listening to my story and I hope you will post it on your site.

CM J

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CM; that was a truly truly horrible situation and I salute you for having the strength at that age to deal with it completely alone, and for telling us about it now. I have often said that the meanest cruelest people in the world are school children. And if given an opportunity to torment another child will not let it pass at all. No one should have to learn about betrayal at such a young age and I pray that you will find a way to forgive not only your two best friends, but the girl that took your diary out of your bag and all of those who went along for the ride in tormenting you. 

If you have not already done so I urge you to let the pain of this experience go or else it will tarnish the rest of your life. It would be very easy for you to become a bitter, resentful and non-trusting person, and that would be a great pity. I would not like that to happen to you.

Focus now on loving yourself and being loving towards others. You know better than anyone how hurtful words and actions can be. Try to rise above that and be a better person, understand that your friends were only doing what they knew how to do. They were obviously not taught what true friendship really is. But you were; you also know exactly what friendship is not but instead of focusing on the negative try instead to be grateful that you now know what being a true friend really is and do your best to be that kind of person.

Blessings

Carol xx

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