Confession #45 – I Almost Killed My 2 Year Old Child
I have a
CONFESSION to make…NO not me; those are my favorite words to hear women say.
And today’s confession brought a tear to my eyes. A lady calling herself Maria
H has written to us from Liverpool England and she had this to confess…
Thanks for giving me the opportunity to confess what I have done, I really
think you are doing a great thing by letting people get their guilt off their
chests, I know it has made a difference to me just being able to say admit this.
When I became
pregnant my husband and I were overjoyed. We had been trying for a baby for
three years and were beginning to wonder if it would ever happen for us. So when
it did we were the happiest we had ever been. We did however receive a shock
when our doctor told us it was twins, but after the initial shock we simply
started making plans for 2 instead of 1.
went along smoothly and without incident and after only 4 hours in labor I
gave birth to two beautiful amazing baby boys. My husband and I could not have
been happier; we truly thought our lives were perfect. We had already decided
that I would stay home with our sons for two years before going back to work
and I was looking forward to raising our boys.
Carol I had
no idea how hard it was going to be. I guess I was looking at motherhood
through rose colored glasses because the reality of breast feeding, sleepless
nights, colic and almost constant crying was very different from what I had
imagined. I became increasingly tired as my sons rarely slept through the
night. And with their demands and my husband expecting me to be still be full
of energy to spend quality time with him, I started to feel like I would
literally go insane.
did not really understand how hard it was to take care of twins full time, he
seemed to think that because I was home all day I had nothing at all to do so when
he came home I should look fantastic, the house should be spotless, his dinner
cooked and I should be ready to go all out in the bedroom whenever he was
ready. I tried so many times to make him understand how hard it was for me, but
he would just sweep my complaints aside by saying things like I just need to
get organized and it’s because I didn't have a routine. And this of course just
made me feel worse as he had no clue what I was going through.
It was when I
reached my lowest point that I did something I will always regret. Both of my
sons had colds and this made them both more cranky than usual. I was constantly
running from one to the other giving medicine or just trying to comfort them.
But this particular day they just would not stop crying. I got so angry and so
frustrated I grabbed one of my sons and shook him and screamed at him to be
quiet. My son went very limp in my hands and suddenly realized what I was doing
and put him down but he would not open his eyes.
I was almost
paralyzed with fear, I managed to check his pulse and he was breathing but he
was just lying there not moving. I grabbed the phone and called an ambulance,
all the while praying that I had not killed my son. When we got to the hospital
the doctors asked me what had happened, I lied and said my son fell and hit his
They took him
into a room and I was told to wait outside. I called my husband and we waited
anxiously to find out how our son was doing. Eventually the doctor came and
told us he had some swelling on the brain but it was too early to tell if there
would be any permanent damage. Again the doctor asked me what had happened and
again I lied and said he fell.
My son was unconscious
for two days; it was the most painful time of my life. Eventually he did wake
and the doctors did more tests and said the swelling was going down and that he
was extremely lucky to not have any brain damage. He remained in hospital for
another five weeks, during which time I had a visit from social services. It
appears the doctors did not believe me when I said my son had fallen and that
his injuries were compatible with having been shaken.
I was put
under investigation but I was not charged. I did eventually admit to my husband that I
had shaken our son. I honestly thought he would leave me but he did not. In
fact he was the complete opposite. I think that was when he really understood all
that I had been saying to him for the last two years, he finally realized that I had been under tremendous strain and he did nothing to help.
It has been
18 months since my son was released from hospital and my husband hired a nanny
to help me take care of our sons. I also go to counselling to help me manage my
anger, frustration and the guilt I felt over hurting my son.
I want people
to understand that not everyone can be the perfect mother. Some women can cope
really well and find it easy to do. But some do not. I was one of those who
became overwhelmed and could not see any way out. So I would advise any new
mother if you start to feel the way I did please seek professional help. There
are lots of support systems in place to help you.
till it’s too late and you find yourself doing the unthinkable to you child.
Maria, I am so
glad that your son is OK. Your story is one that could easily have ended in tragedy.
I am also very glad that you are getting the help that you need. It is clear
that you need support both at home from your husband and professionally. Maybe if
your husband had not been so condescending in the first place you would not
have hurt your son.
It is great
that you have both come to understand that parenthood indeed does not come
easily and naturally to everyone. There is this foolish idea that just because
you are a woman you ‘instinctively’ know exactly how to deal with every
situation that occurs with your child and you will react in the best possible
way to everything that happens.
This is soooo
not the case. Every woman’s level of patience and coping abilities are
different. You are not suddenly going to become superwoman just because you
have given birth. I do not say these things to excuse you hurting your son, but
I do understand what lead up to you doing so. And as I said you are extremely
lucky that you did not do him permanent damage or worse killed him.
I hope you
will continue with your counselling and I am glad that your husband recognized
that you need help raising your sons. I do not doubt that you will become a
good strong mother to your sons in time and probably end up with a better
relationship with your husband as well.
DO YOU THINK???
Does Maria H
deserve a second chance with her husband and children?
children have been taken into care? Or
Will she get
frustrated again and do worse next time?